


EWW Starcrushed

by dobokdude



Category: Star vs. The Forces Of Evil
Genre: Comedy, Criticism, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-28 08:46:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10082063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dobokdude/pseuds/dobokdude
Summary: (Parody of Cinemasins) I tore into part 1 of the S2 finale, now it's time to finish the job! Collab with Platyman from Fanfiction.net. Rated T for language





	

Everything Wrong With Starcrushed(Parody)

 

Hey guys! So I’m back and this time I’m not alone! I want to give a shout-out to Platyman from Fanfiction.net who is here to help me rip into this episode. Again We loved the S2 finale but again nothing is without sin, that’s what we’re here to remind you guys of. So let’s do this!

 

NOTE: I will mark the sins provided by Platyman, mine will be unmarked.SVTFOE belongs to Disney and Daron Nefcy, Cinemasins belongs to Jeremy Scott and Chris Atkinson. Enjoy!

 

Everything Wrong With Starcrushed(spoilers, duh)

 

(Scene opens up to party at the Diaz’s residence)

Platyman:Why are the Diaz's having this party? Marco didn't have many friends before he met Star and honestly still doesn't have many now, so why are thin inviting not just his friends but a whole school years' worth of teenagers into their house? Granted, Rafael and Angie seem like exactly the sort of down-with –the kids types who would do that. However, given that there is no explanation of why they are holding this party, which implies that they do this every year. Has Marco had to endure years of being an awkward wallflower at a party held in his own house? (ding)

 

Wait so Marco made it back from the Mewni riot afterall? Seems like he still has the dimensional scissors from Hekapoo, but still Star shouldn’t have left him like that(ding)

 

(Close up of girl eating sausage)

Eww.(ding)

‘’You know what you can have it. I can’t eat. My guts, uh, they’re all bleeee. No what I mean.’’

‘’Is this all because you’re embarassed of your parents?’’(Mr and Mrs Diaz trying to be cool)

Okay, that’s pretty funny take off a sin(reverse ding)

(Marco and Jackie go into kitchen while Star comes down the stairs)

 

Wait how long has it been since Face The Music? It must be several days since Marco had to set up this party. So he and Star avoided each other that long, while living under the same roof? I’m calling bullshit.(ding)

(Star sees Jackie and Marco)

(Gasps) No. (takes deep breath) ‘’Be classy.’’

(Slides over on one foot) ‘’Hello, friends!’’

As someone who’s on the autistic spectrum(Aspergers), even I find this extremely cringy.(ding)

‘’I just realized I need to go to the bathroom. Why don’t you two talk for a sec? Be right back.’’

(Jackie leaves)

‘’You go first’’ (nervous laughter from Star and Marco)

Honestly guys, if my best friend straight up left me when there was an dangerous angry mob outside and they just confessed their love to me to the whole damn multiverse in the most elaborately embarassing way possible with no explanation , I would be more pissed than nervous.(ding)

Then again, I do like how realistic this feels and I can sympathize with both of them. This doesn’t seem cliche and because of the way their friendship has been built up you can really feel the tension between them and it’s sad given how close they were before. Minus a sin(reverse ding).

(Star runs over to refrigerator) ‘’Man!’’ (Looks at photo of her and Marco at the beach.)

Aww, they were so close. I’m not gonna cry, I’m not gonna cry...(reverse ding)

Although, I’m disappointed that we never got a beach episode soooo…(ding)

 

(Janna laughs at horror movie on TV. Picks up phone, rush eats popcorn and runs off)

Wait so Janna is just sitting at home by herself? You figure she would at least go to the bad kids party, but it’s nice to see some realism as some teens in real life aren’t really into partying such as myself. Minus a sin for character relatability(reverse ding)

(Kelly is fighting a monster. Monster roars, Kelly jumps onto it’s back and pulls out a sword, letting out a war cry. Phone rings and she answers.)

‘’Wait time out. Something came up.’’

‘’Yo later Kelly.’’

‘’See you next week.’’(takes off)

Whoa, Whoa, what the(bleep) was Kelly doing? This is a routine thing? Were they sparring or some(bleep)? For what? Why do movie/show creators always show us shit that’s slightly more or just as interesting as what’s going on and never showing it?(ding)

 

(Star sighs, hears heavy breathing, turns to see StarFan13 behind counter)

‘’Whoa StarFan13 you got here fast.’’

‘’I was here the whole time.’’

Creepy as(bleep).(ding)

(Rats in Ludo’s temple are having a corn eating contest. Rhombulus then busts through the doors, freezing them. Moon blasts them away. They run down hallway and are joined by Chancellor Lekmet, Omintraxus, and Hekapoo who comes through a portal as they race down the hall)

Okay, one of the coolest team entrances I’ve ever seen. Minus 3 sins.(three reverse dings)

(MHC bursts in on Bird mouth-feeding spider)

‘’Ewww.’’

My thoughts exactly.(ding)

(Spider and Bird charge at Hekapoo, who uses her scissor daggers to open a portal to Earth. They go in and land in front of Britta’s Tacos.)

Hekapoo,I know you were probably caught in the heat of battle but sending a monster bird and spider that you know works for Ludo to Earth where Star is probably wasn’t the best idea, since from what I can tell the scissors open portals to where the user wills to go.(ding)

(Rhombulus goes to Ludo’s bed and throws him to the ground) ‘’Time to rise and die!’’

Taking off a sin for this badass line.( reverse ding)

‘’Marco actually thinks that I have a crush on him.’’(laughs)

‘’Yeah but like don’t you?’’

Platyman: Obviously any teenage girl would want to consult her friends in this situation, but when your friends are a pair of stalkers, a semi-criminal delinquent princess, and a woman who has a serially on-off relationship with the top of her own head, you shouldn't really ask them for relationship advice (ding).

 

See Star, it’s obvious even to Ponyhead just like it is to everyone else? Of course Ruberiot read too much into your guys’ hug and made a lucky guess, but still.(ding)

‘’I just think that he’s kinda cute. I think alot of things are cute.’’

Me: Ahem, roll footage(scene plays from Running with Scissors where Star ogles older Marco’s abs)

Seems to me you thought that Marco was more than ‘’cute’’.(ding)

‘’Come on Star, let’s ditch this place and go to the party the bad kids are having!’’

Again why didn’t you go there yourself? Maybe Janna isn’t as much as a bad girl at heart, but seeing how she acts later it’s a bit out of character.(ding)

Platyman: Why would a pair of inter-dimensional party girls like PonyHead and Kelly take Star to a lame suburban earth party to cheer her up when they could go anywhere in the multiverse? Do they want to slum it with the natives because this where Star lives and their curious? It can't be because of the humans, Janna would be down for whatever freaky (bleep). (Ding)

 

‘’And I suppose it’s just a coincidence that you’ve taken up shelter here in this ancient monster temple.’’

‘’I’m supposed to know that? This place was empty so I moved in. It’s cold out there. I’m wearing a chip bag for corn’s sake!’’

Wait so you could have you rat army obtain a surplus of corn, materials for a bed, and that thing an abundance of pudding(or did Glossaryck make that), yet you couldn’t get materials for clothes?(ding)

‘’Time for plan B.’’

‘’Wait-’’

‘’Nope we need to find Glossaryck.’’

You know one of you probably should have stayed with Moon considering what happens later. For a council of powerful magical entities you guys can’t follow the number one rule of horror: NEVER SPLIT UP!(ding)

(Star and the gang arrive at the party on top of the Stop and Slurp)

I know the police come eventually but why the hell did they not come earlier because no convience store in real life would let these kids cause such a disturbance over their business.(ding)

‘’Is that legal?’’

(Firelady puts out fire) ‘’Don’t worry it’s a controlled burn.’’

See the firelady is here, and frankly her(bleep) should be fired since as a firefighter she should be encouraging these kids not to play with fire, something most people have been taught since elementary.(ding)

‘’Star?’’

(Star turns around)

‘’Is that you?’’

‘’Umm, yeah, maybe? Do I know you?’’

‘’It’s me Oskar, I got a haircut. Check it out. Mph.’’

What the(bleep) is with Oskar’s eyes? You know what I don’t care much for him so I’ll just skip over him and leave 4 sins(four dings)

(Rafael pulls pizza nuggets out of the oven) ‘’Hello, welcome to the world.’’

‘’Oh Marco. How are you?’’

‘’Doing pretty great Dad.’’

‘’Oh that’s good. Hey where’s your partner in crime?’’

‘’Oh Jackie, I guess we are pretty good partners.’’

(Rafael facepalms) ‘’Star, Marco I was talking about Star.’’

Marco I get that at the moment your teenage hormones are kinda going crazy, but how the fuck could you not know your dad was talking about Star?’’(ding)

‘’Well things are a bit...weird between us now.’’

‘’What could be weird? Two teenagers, sharing a home. One boy,one girl… Oh, oh no.’’

Rafael’s reaction is pretty funny. The dreaded ‘’talk’’. Minus a sin(reverse ding)

Platyman: Actually this is a good point, why did not one think that putting two teenagers of opposite sexes in the same house together might eventually lead to this sort of problem? At least a little bit of sexual tension should have been anticipated. This is exactly the sort of situation most noble families would employ legions of chaperones to prevent.(ding)

 

“Worried about me? Don’t you get it? I lost my army, my kingdom, my clothes! And look, still standing!’’

‘’Yes but for how long. You don’t look well Ludo. Tell me what’s going on and maybe I can help you.’’

Now see, just like I said in EWW Face The Music, amazing character development for Queen Moon. And great foreshadowing towards the conflict between Mewmans and Monsters as well as Moon’s past relationship to Toffee. Minus two sins(two reverse dings)

 

(Lekmet finds spellbook, calls everyone else over)

‘’You found Glossaryck?’’

‘’Blank?’’

‘’That’s not the real book.’’

(MHC goes through portal to find Moon dead, eyes pitch black. Toffee begins laughing and absorbs wand into arm.)

‘’Ludo?’’

‘’Ludo’s not here right now, but if you like you can leave a message.’’

(Shakespeare statue from Gnomeo and Juliet) Told you so!(ding)

(Omnitraxus phazes through floor) ‘’You did not want to do that little m-’’

(Ludoffee absorbs him, leaving only a horned skull)

Guys a word of advice. Perhaps exercise caution if you see one of your teammates got owned by the bad guy with relative ease.(ding)

‘’That’s it.’’(Rhombulus and Hekapoo charge at Ludoffee head on.)

 

Or not. Seriously guys you saw what happened to Omnitraxus, and as a wise man once said,

(Obi-Wan Kenobi) Who is more foolish the fool or the fool who follows him?(ding)

‘’Hello Moon. It’s been awhile.’’

(Gasps) Toffee. 

(Moon blasts him, Ludoffee blocks. Ludoffee returns fire and Moon transforms and fires back.)

Okay this whole fight is pretty badass. Minus 5 sins(five reverse dings)

Platyman: So Toffee can absorb magic, so Moon tries to attack him physically by collapsing the room. That is clever, but didn't sh have some dual swords with that armour last episode? Cutting off his hand would be worth a shot, right?(ding)

 

‘’Oh geez I’ve gotta stop making cats.’’

(Laughs) ‘’Seriously how have we not hung out before?’’

‘’Well I’m usually pretty busy fighting monsters and stuff.’’

‘’Oh yeah with your buddy. What’s his name? Mango. It’s always just you and Mango.’’  
‘’Oh Marco.’’

‘’Yeah, where’s Mango?’’

‘’Well Mango’s going out with Jackie now, so he’ll probably have less time to hang out with me.’’

‘’Well I’m not doing anything this summer. I’d make a great Mango.’’

Platyman: If Star ropes Oskar into all of the stuff she usually ropes Marco into, the poor boy will be dead in a fortnight (Ding).

 

(Sirens flaring) This is the police! You punks better be having a study group up there!

Oh now you guys show up?(ding)

“I’ve never read a book in my life!’’

(Groans) ‘’That’s it I’m calling your parents!’’

‘’Everybody run for it!’’ (Leaps off roof and spreads arms activation gliding flaps)

How the hell do you make that without reading?(ding)

‘’Alright Star, let’s get awkward.’’

‘’Okay, now do me. Ahhh…’’

‘’Uh hey Marco you got a sec?’’

‘’Star?’’ Leaves Jackie saying ‘’aaahhh...’’

Okay this just shows that deep down Marco likes Star. It seems to me Marco may like Jackie mostly based on looks, kinda like how Star was with Oskar, Not saying he doesn’t like her personality but he just drops what he was doing with Jackie without telling her he’ll be back… And as a Starco shipper I love this!(reverse ding)  
Platyman: Marco, when you're doing the whole "Playful-erotic mouth-feeding" thing in it is extremely impolite to leave the lady waiting to go off with someone else (ding). Not really a sin because its part of the joke, but pizza bites? Really, there is a reason most people use grapes. Also, considering that these are fourteen year-old children, scene is perilously close to containing a lap-dance (ding).

 

‘’Let’s go somewhere more quiet.’’ (Goes to stairs)

Is the bottom of the stairs really more quiet? Lots of people talking closeby so probably not as quiet as you would want.(ding)

‘’I wanted to talk to you after Song Day but I feel we’ve been avoiding each other.’’

‘’Oh I’ve definitely been avoiding you.’’

‘’I guess I just got scared that everything would change and you wouldn’t want to be friends anymore…’’

Well you should! You straight up abandoned your friends and family when there was a riot that you started right outside! And I know people have been saying that it’s been established that Star’s main character flaw is running away from her problems, but as someone said on a Youtube comment for this episode this took the whole damn bakery of stupid decisions.(ding)

‘’Star I miss the way things used to be too. But do you have a crush on me?’’

‘’Umm, no I don’t.’’

‘’But the song?’’

‘’Marco you’re my friend. And I just want to have an awesome summer with my friend.’’

‘’Friend?’’

‘’Friend.’’(They both hug)

Okay, okay hold up. Marco don’t think your (bleep) is off the hook. Dude she seriously dodged your question! It’s so obvious she has the hots for you dude, remember what happened when you tried to read her diary entry about you? And you seriously don’t buy the way she acted at the Love Sentence concert, that smile was so forced and ‘’I wanted to feel their sweat’’ excuse? I know Star’s weird but seriously? And do I even have to bring up the BMB? And aside from that, you still didn’t get on her for abandoning your ass with an angry mob right outside who could storm the castle and kill anyone in their path. You’re from Earth and probably learned how just such a scenario has happened throughout history at school. Thats 15 sins!(fifteen dings)

Platyman: I want to take some time to say how nice it was to see how relatively subtly the show has handled the romantic subplot and the maturity that it illustrated in Stars's character, especially when you consider how loud and bombastic both the show and the character usually are. Star intuitively realises that her envy of Marco and Jackie's relationship is her problem, not theirs. She resists the temptation to reveal the truth when she knows it would only cause more trouble, and she does her best to move and maintain their friendship without a trace of bitterness. She may not yet be equal to her responsibilities as a magical princess, but she is emotionally responsible as a friend. Minus one sin ( reverse ding)

 

‘’Let’s just forget that Song Day ever happened.’’

‘’What’s a Song Day? That sounds like a terrible day.’’

(Takes deep breathe, exhales) So let me get this straight, you’re just going to forget that because of your need to be super honest about your song your parents lives are in danger, your kingdom and it’s people are in a state of panic and are probably on the brink of a civil war and you are just going to forget about it? (sigh)5 sins.(five dings)

‘’I just think that we deserve a couple of months where we just don’t do anything.’’

Maybe it’s different throughout the US but as far as I know summer is around two and a half months sooo...(ding)

(Walks in and sees portal) ‘’How did this get here?’’

‘’Star!’’

‘’Demon! Mom? What are you doing here?’’

‘’I don’t have time to explain but suffice to say we are in danger, we must leave for Mewni immediately.’’

‘’What Mom no. Nononononono.No.No’’

‘’I’m afraid you have no choice in the matter.’’

‘’You sent me here, and I didn’t have a choice. But now you’re just telling me to leave?’’

‘’Star this is different-’’

‘’Mom I’ve learned that I get to make choices here. I chose to fix things with Marco. I’m choosing to have a crush on Oskar, I guess.’’

Again Star, what the actual (bleep)?! Your mother shows up in your room, wearing battle-damaged armor and looking like she got wrecked big time and straight up says you need to leave because you are in danger and you want to be childish and not hear her out. Yes it’s natural to not want to leave, but what I’m getting on her for is not hearing out her mom who as I said came to her looking like she was on the losing end of a fight, espically since last time she saw her mom she had caused a state of civil unrest and thus for all she knew her mother’s appearance when she came to her could’ve very well had something to do with that. Triple sins!(3 dings)

Also as far as I know you don’t choose to have a crush for someone. You start feeling a certain way for someone as you spend time with them or if they look really nice. The only thing you control is whether you act on those feelings.(ding)

(Star goes to stairs) MARCO!

‘’Loud.’’ (Everyone gasps and turns heads)

‘’Marco we need to talk, just one last time.’’

‘’Is everything okay, you shouted pretty loud. Everybody’s just staring at us.’’

‘’Yeah I know.’’

‘’But some stuff just came up and I’ve only got a little time.’’

‘’Wait why we’ve got the entire summer.’’

‘’Marco I don’t know how to tell you this because you’re my best friend-’’

‘’Star?’’

‘’And that makes this super weird because-’’

‘’What’s wrong?’’

‘’Because, I, I, I, I do have a crush on you.( Everyone gasps, Starfan13 faints)

‘’Who called it I called it! Boom! I called it!’’

Platyman: Spoke too soon. Going to give Star the benefit of the doubt by saying that she made her confession public in order to intentionally burn her bridges on earth so as to keep the Diaz's and her friends out of the conflict with Toffee, but it still seems a little inconsiderate to blurt it out in front of Marco's girlfriend, family and friends when she could have easily have led him away to privacy, especially when she was embarrassed in a similar way last episode (Ding)

 

‘’I didn’t want to admit it because I know you don’t feel the same way and I thought that if I just pretended the feelings weren’t there they’d go away. But they haven’t’’

‘’I have to leave Earth probably forever. And I couldn’t go without telling you the truth.’’

‘’Uh, I, uh-’’

‘’Goodbye! Goodebye everyone!’’

‘’Star, wait! What do you mean-’’

(Opens door and Star’s large castle room vanishes)

Look Star, I get you’re going through a rough time right now but still you are really yo-yoing with Marco’s emotions. I know you’re not full on leading him but still. Also not only that but you couldn’t take a couple more seconds to tell Marco that Toffee is back and that’s why she’s leaving? And I know some of you will say she doesn’t want Marco involved since the last time he was around Toffee he almost died, but that’s why she should tell him. Say that Toffee is back, that this is something she needs to handle with her parents and if all goes well they will see each other again. It’s possible especially since Marco has his dimensional scissors still as far as we know and they work without Hekapoo since Moon used them to flee and to get Star.I’ll go easy on you Star but next season you’ve gotta get your shit together.(ding)

 

Sin total: 45

Sentence: The party’s over( The Bounce Lounge… is closing)

Well guys this was alot of fun! Give a round of applause for Platyman, I couldn’t have done this without him. Keep an eye out for my future work, feel free to check my other stuff and don’t forget to review and let me know what you think. Peace!


End file.
